The Horrors of BiscuitDoughHandsMan
by Homer Starrun
Summary: It all starts with a horror movie. Now Homestar is scared out of his wits, and it only gets worse, as his nightmares come true!
1. Chapter 1 The Movie

**The Horrors of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man**

Chapter 1 – The Movie

On a dark and stormy Wednesday night, which was weird enough, for it never rains in Free Country USA, Homestar just came back from work (you know, the office where Homestar is the dullard) with Pom Pom. They entered Homestar's house and went to the living room where the TV was (the toons menu).

"Okay Pom Pom, hit the lights," said Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled about they never even turned on the lights.

"Weally? Anyway, pwepawe to be haunted beyond all haunting as you watch this wental tape: _The Horrors of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man_!" (Homestar pronounced it "The Howwows of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man!")

Pom Pom just sat on the sofa, not bubbling at all.

"Weady for the video?" asked Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled about snacks.

"Oh wight," remembered Homestar as he dashed to the kitchen, made a bowl of bronco trolleys and two glasses of melonade, and ran back to the living room in less than ten seconds.

Then Homestar put the tape in the VCR and used the remote control to start the movie. On the TV screen, the words "The Horrors of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man" in blood were splattered on the screen.

"Scawy, eh?" asked Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled a question.

"What do you mean this'll scawe me easily? I'm a bwave, gwown up man!" answered Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled about Homestar's grammer.

"So what? Ooh, it's the beginning! Scawy!" exclaimed Homestar as he ate a bronco trolley and drank a sip from his melonade.

An hour later, this is what happened in the movie. A man who isn't a Homestar Runner Website character ran down a hallway with a woman (also not a HR Website character), looking scared, with scary music playing. Unfortunately, they came to a dead end. Then they heard footsteps and turned around and screamed.

"Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man!" screamed the woman.

Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man, with his messy hair, clothes, an evil grin, and biscuit dough hands, he stepped towards the couple.

"Hahaha! Once I steal your stuff, which I have done, then I'll steal your life, which is what I'm going to do now!" cackled Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man (or BDHM).

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do to me?" asked the man as he stepped towards BDHM.

"I'll show you," answered BDHM.

The next moments of the movie were so violent with the killing of the man in the most brutal way possible a man with biscuit dough hands could do, that they're not going to be mentioned, especially since this is Rated G. So, we'll visit Homestar and Pom Pom.

Pom Pom just looked normal, not minding the violence (what a brave Pom). Homestar was freaked out by the horror, more freaked out than ever. He was scared.

"Oh Pom Pom, I'm so scawed, I'm going to pee in my pants," said Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled about something.

"So what if I don't have any pants? I'm scawed, scawed!" cried Homestar as he spilled the rest of his melonade.

After the movie was over, Pom Pom left to his house. Homestar went to bed.

"Okay Homestar, whoa! My grammar's correct. Okay Homestar, try to sleep, whoa! My R's are okay! Just sleep, and this'll all be imagination," said Homestar as he went to sleep.

Homestar instantly had nightmares about the movie. Homestar dreamt he was the man in the movie, being assaulted by Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man. Then Homestar woke up suddenly and screamed so loud, everyone woke up in Free Country, USA, as well as some in other neighborhoods, which are not so important.

"Ugh, it just has to be midnight when Homestar's trying out for a rock-and-roll band," complained Strong Bad as he tried to go back to sleep on the couch and dream about video games, which he did.

"Pokemon Green Version, Super Mario World, Max Payne, Double O Seven Goldeneye, Space Quest, Tetris..." muttered Strong Bad in his sleep.

It was Thursday, meaning Strong Bad has to do community service. Today, he was supposed to mow the lawns of his fellow citizens' houses. Right now, he was mowing Homestar's lawn.

"Stupid The Cheat, purposefully getting us in jail. Stupid Poopsmith, leaving a trail of whatsit for Homestar and Pom Pom to follow. Stupid Strong Sad, for telling Homestar and Pom Pom where to go. Stupid Strong Sad, for existing," muttered Strong Bad as he was mowing the lawn, very badly.

After mowing the lawn, Strong Bad observed the lawn.

"Very good Strong Bad, you're the best."

The grass was uneven, there were some spots where the grass was as tall as Strong Bad, and there were some spots where Strong Bad moved it too much, so now it's a patch of dirt.

"Now to mow Pom Pom's lawn," said Strong Bad when Marzipan came.

"Strong Bad, do you know where's Homestar?" asked Marzipan.

"Why should I care, he just cost me two minutes of sleeping last night, trying to try out for a rock-and-roll band," answered Strong Bad.

"Well, I promised to meet him at Marshmallow's Last Stand for our second try on a date, when Homestar didn't come. Is he sick?" asked Marzipan.

"I dunno, why won't you break into his house, like he does to mine," said Strong Bad.

"Why won't you do it? You're the criminal mastermind, who tried to break into Bub's supply room," retorted Marzipan.

"Will you just shut up about that stupid event?" asked Strong Bad as he went to Homestar's porch and opened the door, "See? Unlocked, not broken in."

So Marzipan and Strong Bad went to Homestar's room. There, they saw a lump in the sheet on the bed.

"Okay Marzipan, you go first," ordered Strong Bad, noticing Homestar's room was more boring than his.

"Homestar, are you okay?" asked Marzipan as she approached the bed.

"B, b, b, b, b," muttered Homestar.

"What is it? Too much cinnamon on your ugly face?" asked Strong Bad.

"Bis, bis, bis, bis..." muttered Homestar.

"Afraid Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man is going to get you?"

"DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Homestar as he jumped from his bed and fell and fainted on the ground.

"See? Problem sighted," said Strong Bad.

Then Marzipan slapped Strong Bad, using her ponytail.

"Homestar, how many times did I tell you not to watch horror movies?" asked Marzipan.


	2. Chapter 2 Biscuit Dough, Everywhere!

Chapter 2 – Biscuit Dough, Everywhere!

After Strong Bad left and Marzipan managed to make Homestar go with her to Marshmallow's Last Stand, they walked down the field. On the way, they met the King of Town.

"Oh! Hello Marzipan, Homestar! Listen, you want to come to my castle tonight? I'll make dinner for you! We're having some all kinds of burritos, all kinds of burgers, almost all kinds of ice cream, potatoes, chicken, all kinds of donuts, corn, some veggies, potatoes, all kinds of potato chips, noodles, almost all kinds of soup, all kinds of cookies, almost all kinds of soda, all kinds of juice I can get my nonexistant hands on, Butter-Da, ooh, and cookie dough!" said the King of Town.

However, Homestar thought the King of Town said "biscuit dough" when he said "cookie dough". So Homestar screamed again and dashed back into his house (not locking the door) and went back into his bed.

"Why do you even exist?" asked Marzipan angrily as she went back to Homestar's house.

"Well, my life is a joke!" answered the King of Town before setting off to Marshmallow's Last Stand to have extra-large marshmallows.

* * *

After convincing him to go outside, again, they walked towards Marshmallow's Last Stand, again.

"Homestar, Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man is not real," said Marzipan as they were walking.

Then they met Strong Sad.

"Hey Marzipan, I was just wondering why you didn't answer my ten phone calls," said Strong Sad.

"Oh you did? Oh, I must check my answering machine, but maybe not. It's a waste of electricity if I phone you guys," explained Marzipan.

"It's a waste of electricity to use the answering machine in the first place, though..." began Strong Sad when Homestar thought Strong Sad said "dough."

"NOOOOOOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER GET ME, BISCUIT-DOUGH-HANDS-MAN!" cried Homestar as he picked up a rock and threw it at Strong Sad's forehead. Then he ran away back to his bed.

"What's with him?" asked Strong Sad as he rubbed his forehead.

"Let me go fetch him from his bed for the third time today," muttered Marzipan as she went back to Homestar's house.

* * *

The third time, they finally arrived at Marshmallow's Last Stand, a queer restaurant serving food that has to do with marshmallows.

"Okay, let's buy something. I'll have a tofu-flavored marshmallow," ordered Marzipan.

"What a brave girl," commented the cashier, "What do you want, Homestar? Our best Fluffy Puff Marshmallows? Large Marshmallows? Chocolate marshmallows? Malloweens? Mashmallow biscuits? Marshmallow dough?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Homestar as he ran through the wall (creating a hole) and back to his bed.

"Mwahahaha! Man, that's the funniest thing I've seen all day!" laughed Strong Bad at a table with The Cheat and Strong Mad.

"Oh leave him alone, jerks! Can't you see he is spooked by that horror movie?" asked Marzipan angrily before going back to Homestar's house for the fourth time.

* * *

"Come on Homestar, we won't go outside, where people won't say the scary "b" word, or the scary "d" word," reassured Marzipan as she got Homestar out of bed.

"What are we going to do?" asked Homestar.

"Hey, your R's are perfect! Anyway, let's watch a little TV," said Marzipan as they went to the living room.

"What do you want to watch? _The Joy of Painting_? _Space Shows_? Or just TV?" asked Marzipan.

"Oh! Stinkoman's on! Let's watch it!" said Homestar as he turned on the TV and went to a channel.

But they were watching commercials. First up was the Fluffy Puff Marshmallow commercial.

"I hate that freaking marshmallow!" said Homestar.

"Uh, me too," agreed Marzipan to make Homestar feel better.

Then there was a Strong Bad Sings CD commercial. Then a Senor Cardgage Mortgage commercial, and then a Cheat Commando's preview, ending with "Buy All our Play sets and Toys!" Then this commercial:

"Now watch out, as the biannual "Rental Tape Movies Award" is approaching! The nominees are: _I_, _That Movie_, _I'm Cool!_, and _The Horrors of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man!_" announced the person.

Homestar fainted just when the Stinkoman show started.

"Homestar, I think you need to go to the psychiatrist," said Marzipan.

* * *

"Okay Homestar, your problem is you saw a movie too scary for you, that you had nightmares of it, right?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Right," answered Homestar, again with perfect R's.

"So, these kind of movies have happy endings, I think. Just think about the ending. How is this villain defeated?" asked the psychiatrist.

"I don't remember, I think I fainted as soon as that villain assaulted that guy," answered Homestar.

"Then just remember, it's just a movie, it's not real. So, Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man is not real."

"AAAAAAAAAA! HE IS REAL! HE'S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!!!" screamed Homestar as he ran through a bookshelf and ran back to his house and into his bed.

"Well, that's the fifteenth person who ran through my bookshelves," commented the psychiatrist.

* * *

"So Homestar, try to dream about Stinkoman, or Cheat Commandos, or Sweet Cuppin' Cakes, or marshmallows tonight," said Marzipan as she and Homestar walked back to Homestar's house.

Four hours later, Homestar woke up from his bed after suddenly dreaming about BDHM. He also heard footsteps in his living room.

"Uh-oh, another caper by Strong Bad," observed Homestar as he put on a bathrobe, put on cinnamon on his face, wore his bunny slippers, and wore his nightcap.

Then he went to his living room, expecting to see Strong Bad and The Cheat, stealing his newspapers. What he saw was much, much worse.

It was Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man. Homestar screamed himself silly and ran into his bathroom and locked the door.

"Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man will get you Homestar! First, I'll steal all of your stuff! Then I'll steal your life!" shouted Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man as he laughed and left Homestar to faint, which he did.


	3. Chapter 3 Final Confrontation

Chapter 3 – The Final Confrontation

"Strong Mad, can you punch the door so Homestar can get out?" asked Marzipan, sweetly.

Strong Mad, for some pieces of paper for origami, punched a large hole in the door. Marzipan went through the hole and woke Homestar up in the bathroom.

"Oh Marzipan, I'm doomed," muttered Homestar.

"Yeah, what happened to your stuff?" asked Strong Bad.

"What?"

Then Homestar went to his living room and saw everything that was removable was taken away. Then he looked in his kitchen, room, and other rooms and saw they were empty of removable stuff.

"What happened here?" asked Homestar.

"Yeah, are you moving? I'll be happy to give you some moving gifts, like my, er... Gavin Food!" said Strong Bad.

"It was He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!" exclaimed Homestar.

"Voldemort?" asked Strong Bad.

"No! The other one!"

"Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man?" asked Strong Bad.

It took ten buckets of ice cold water and three minutes of whistling from Coach Z's whistle to wake Homestar up.

"Well, I tell ya, I've norver seen you this scared at oll, except for that time when he was in my torm for the forst time," commented Coach Z as he and Homestar met in Coach Z's office, or locker room.

"Oh Coach Z, it's You-Know-Who!" said Homestar.

"Vordemort?" asked Coach Z.

'No! The other one!" cried Homestar, still horrified by Voldemort, for he was just reading Harry Potter (reading was Marzipan's idea to help Homestar be smarter).

"Bi... Ah, that! Marzipan told me about him! I knew it was him! I will make sure he won't slip through our fingers!" shouted Coach Z.

"What do we do? My stuff's stolen!" cried Homestar.

"We got to stand up to him. Bi... I mean that guy stole your stuff, so he'll stol your life. We've got to stand up to him!"

"How do we do that?"

"Well, we don't run for the score zone. You kiddn' me? You'd be clobbered!" explained Coach Z.

"Or killed," added in Homestar.

"You got to stick and move and zig zag to finally get rid of that guy!" explained Coach Z.

"Coach, that's what you say all the time!" cried out Homestar.

"But it always works!" answered Coach Z.

"No it doesn't! Marzipan slapped me when on her birthday for some reason, and you told me the same advice for the present! Strong Bad didn't like his Decemberween present, and you were the one who gave me advice on the present!"

"Don't just attack him! Use a strategy that will catch Bi... that guy off guard so you can capture him and bring him into corstody!"

"Uh, do you have any idea how to do that?" asked Homestar.

"I think I do, but it was for just in case Strong Bad managed to escape with all of those things he stole back when he escape from joil."

First, fliers were put up all over Free Country, USA. Fifteen minutes after they were put up, the wind decided to blow the fliers into the Poopsmith's pile of whatsit.

**Be part of the new Homestarmy to get rid of**

_**Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man!!!**_

**You won't have to pay $5 this time, just join to help Homestar be sane again. Just come to Homestar's house to join the army. Army led by Coach Z.**

Only two people joined: Strong Sad (who didn't have anything better to do, considering he couldn't go back to his house, for Strong Bad and Strong Mad threatened him that they'll pulverize him if he even blinked for the night), and Homsar (who didn't have a clue on what he was doing). So they went to Homestar's house, where Coach Z told them the plans to capture BDHM. Then they waited, while playing with Coach Z's Cheat Commando's Trading Cards.

"I've got a Gunhaver. I'll shoot you with a gun, for I'm Gunhaver, with a gun! And... How else is he awesome?" asked Homestar.

"I got Reinforcements! Justice Rocket Backpack Rocket Rocket fire!" said Coach Z.

"I've got Reynolds, can he do anything?" asked Strong Sad.

"Uh, no," answered Coach Z.

"Well, that sucks, as usual. You know, he and I are alike, we should be friends," complained Strong Sad.

"Strong Sad, Reynold's isn't real," said Coach Z to break Strong Sad's hopes for a friend.

"Well, this isn't new," commented Strong Sad.

"Me and my red ninja!" cried Homsar as he held up a Ripberger card.

Then Homsar threw it like a ninja star at someone. That someone wasn't Homestar, Coach Z, or even Strong Sad. It was Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man.

"It's Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man! I knew it he would come! Let's get into our battle porsitions!" ordered Coach Z.

However, Strong Sad and Homsar ran away from the house, afraid of being clobbered, or wanting to follow Strong Sad, respectively.

"Uh, Homestar?" asked Coach Z.

Homestar ran to his bathroom. Then Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man took Coach Z's medallion away. At that same time, thunder was heard, as well as creepy organ music, and a scream, and that was not from Marzipan, screaming over the lightning that nearly struch a tree.

"Give that medorrion back!" cried Coach Z.

Then BDHM punched Coach Z and ran off with the medallion. Suddenly, Coach Z turned to stone, for if Coach Z is left without his medallion, then he's nothing, like all Z's. The next day, Homestar got out of the bathroom and saw the stony Coach Z.

"No! Coach! I'm so sorry! I should have fought him!" cried Homestar. Then he picked up a spoon and Frank Bennetto from his kitchen.

"Let's go," said Homestar as he put an orange bowl on his head.

Then he walked into a wall, for the orange bowl obscured his vision.

Homestar and Frank Bennetto followed the footsteps made by BDHM while bumping into various objects. Homestar nearly bumped into the Poopsmith's pile of whatsit, and even heaven doesn't know if Homestar would have lived through that. Soon, it led to a familiar-looking house, but it didn't matter to Homestar. Whoever lived in that house could be or are victims of Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man. So he broke into the house by going through the front door. The first floor was empty, with a neat, old computer. Then he went downstairs.

"Oh man, he got Strong Bad!" exclaimed Homestar.

Then he ran around the basement (or in a circle around the couch), looking for Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man, when he bumped into Strong Sad's fat.

"Oh Strong Sad, what are you doing here, alive?" asked Homestar.

"Uh, what are you doing here, especially with that popcorn maker?" asked Strong Sad.

"Uh, looking for You-Know-Who," answered Homestar.

"I think Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man ran to our backyard," answered Strong Sad.

"AAAAAAAA! You said his name!" exclaimed Homestar as he fainted.

Homestar woke up, seeing the bright blue sky. Then he looked around, noticing that Frank was gone, again. But what caught his interest was that he saw his stolen stuff, like the TV, bed, and the rest of his stuff, and Coach Z's medallion. So he looked around and saw Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man and The Cheat.

"Oh no! You're going to kill The Cheat!" exclaimed Homestar.

"Uh no, he's my sidekick," answered BDHM unintentionally.

"What about Strong Bad?"

"Uh, I killed him," answered BDHM quickly.

"That's true enough. Onto my lines: Oh no, you killed three people! I'm going to capture you!" said Homestar as he ran to BDHM, having his spoon ready to whack, and closed his eyes as he ran.

He ran into a tree, knocking himself out.

"Man, Homestar just get stupider and stupider. How many times had he fainted in this story? Jeez, he's going to make a world record, or at least a Free Country, USA record. Come on The Cheat, let's go," ordered BDHM, when he saw somebody coming.

It was Pom Pom. First, he went to Homestar and woke him up.

"Hey Pom Pom, glad you came to see me die," said Homestar, wearily.

Then Pom Pom went to BDHM.

"No Pom Pom! He'll kill you!" cried Homestar.

Then Pom Pom bubbled about the movie's ending.

"I dunno, how did it end?" asked Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled something.

"What? Biscuit, I mean, that guy was just an imagination, and those two people were mentally retarded?" asked Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled again.

"But Pom Pom, the real Biscuit Dough Hands Man is right here! And I'm as sane as you are!" cried out Homestar.

Pom Pom bubbled, "_No Homestar, I'm saner than you. The day we're as sane as each other, Strong Sad's the king of the world, as well as the coolest guy in the universe."_

"That can happen, wight?" asked Homestar.

"No," answered and bubbled BDHM and Pom Pom.

"Then who's that?" asked Homestar, pointing his wooden spoon at Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man.

Then Pom Pom took BDHM's head off, revealing Strong Bad's head.

"Strong Bad! You took Strong Bad's head!" exclaimed Homestar.

"Uh, no," answered BDHM/Strong Bad, who didn't run away, for he doesn't really try to run away from crime.

Then Pom Pom took off the biscuit hands, revealing boxing gloves. Then Pom Pom took off BDHM's clothes, revealing he was Strong Bad all along. And that was when Bubs, carrying Coach Z's figure, came.

"Oh man! It's the Strong Bad! Again!" exclaimed Bubs as he put Coach Z's medallion on Coach Z, bringing him back to life.

"Once again, Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man slips through our fingers!" exclaimed Coach Z as he saw Strong Bad.

"Oh man! You sold me out! You sold me out! The Cheat, say they sold us out," ordered Strong Bad.

Then The Cheat held up a sign, saying, "What do you mean 'us'?" before dashing off. So Coach Z and Bubs put Strong Bad in his box prison.

Meanwhile, Homestar, Pom Pom, and Marzipan went to Marshmallow's Last Stand to celebrate Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man's defeat.

"See, I told you Biscuit-Dough-Hands-Man isn't real," said Marzipan as she ate her tofu-flavored marshmallow.

"I don't know what youw talking about, Mawzipan," said Homestar, who got his mispronunciations back.

Then they left. Pom Pom bubbled about what they're going to do next.

"Let's go to the wental tape stowe and went a scawy movie!" said Homestar.

"Uh, won't that scare you?" asked Marzipan.

"You kiddin' me? I'm a bwave, gwown up man!" reassured Homestar.

That night, the nightmares started all over again, this time, on The Man with the Huge Mouth. Meanwhile, Strong Bad was released from his prison, while having to do community service for a longer time. What happens next, you know what'll happen next, will you?

**THE END**


End file.
